Perspective

Often I come to the end of the day and feel discouraged if I didn't accomplish as much as I wanted to. Or I'll feel good if I've been especially productive. But I'm realizing that it is dangerous to base my worth or value on what I do. Yes, we do have a sense of satisfaction when we've completed a task. I believe that God created us to feel this way. But I need to be careful to not allow feelings of guilt or disappointment cloud my mind when I haven't checked off all the lists.

My focus should be: Did I walk with Jesus today? Did I allow Him, invite Him into my day, my lists, my schedule? Did I follow the Holy Spirit's promptings?

I'm finding that when my focus is Jesus and adopting His mind, I find true satisfaction and fulfillment. I'm able to accomplish what I need to do, but often it isn't the mountain it seemed to be.

Having the right perspective is powerful.

Swirling

This is how I describe the last few weeks.

Swirling.

How is it possible to feel so many emotions at one time?

Life is happening at such a fast pace. I find myself trying to slow. Noticing the small. Finding that quiet spot in all the chatter.

Those bright stars.
The sound of his voice.
The cows. The calves. The green fields.
The brazen clouds through the window.
The smell of woodsmoke.
Laughter.
A familiar song.
Reading our story again. Looking at our pictures again. Smiling. How can beautiful dreams actually be coming true?

The lists are endless. The piles are building.

But life, love, is worth it. Despite the busyness, the noise, the exhaustion, the power of love propels me forward.

Because, I'm created to love. To serve. To give myself away.

Swirling.

Only the Beginning

Even though I saw snowflakes today, the blog needs a spring picture. We've had a few glimpses of spring so I remain optimistic that she'll be here in full bloom very soon!

I love this man so much. We're getting married three months from yesterday. I wouldn't trade our journey, this adventure, for anything in the world. What an immense blessing to love him and be loved by him. Even though we live four hours away and are both tackling enormous lists in regards to the wedding and our future, we're enjoying this time. We're growing closer to each other. Finding joy in the moments.

It was wonderful being with him this weekend. Driving in our new-to-us, Tracy. Walking hand in hand along the river with those sparkling lights. Enjoying a meal together filled with refreshing laughter and conversation. That bubbly tea. Being close to him. Experiencing life with him.

And today - enjoying breakfast together with the family. Running errands in the rain. Eating a meal with our families knowing this is just the beginning.

It's hard - the distance. Saying goodbye again. But, if I can just remember - this is only the beginning. The best is yet to come.

Because of Jesus. Because He's living. He's working. His plans are good. His people are good. Choosing to love is good. It's safe. It's secure. It's not always easy. Pain is inevitable. But living a life of love is what we're created to do. It's how God redeems His world. He loves us and we love those around us. Each moment, each life is an opportunity to love. 

In all the planning and preparation, I don't want to fail to live in this moment. To love in this moment. 

"Today can be unwavering peace because an uncertain tomorrow can be trusted to an unchanging God." - A. Voskamp

Moments of Grace

- Sunshine, glorious sunshine.
- The sweetest fiance I could ever ask for! His love is changing me!
- A whole day to spend with him Saturday! :-)
- Seeing the kids so excited about their biography reports...
- Public libraries!!
- Catchy rhythm that makes learning our Bible verses fun!
- All the bridesmaids have their dresses!
- Coffee drinks given to me by two different people!
- His peace (John 14:27)
- The kids asking to listen to music while they did their cursive. :)
- How well they listen to Adventures in Odyssey at lunch... May His word not return void!
- Remembering that macaroni make perfect commas...a fun extra to do tomorrow.
- Thankful that one of my dear ones did not run out of the room once! It's the little things! ;)
- Those flowers from my love that are still so pretty!
- That fact that God is always present! He sees. He knows.

Hebrews 13:8

These last weeks have been filled with more joy than I can describe. I am incredibly excited about marrying Lucas Ryder. He is more than I've ever dreamed God would have for me. I'm so overwhelmingly blessed by him. His wisdom, his perspective, his interest, his humor, his commitment... I'm so grateful.

Yes. There are more details than I could have possibly thought there'd be. The temptation to hyper focus on the wedding day is there. How are there so many options?!

But, God never changes. His hand is on our relationship. He cares about us. He also cares about making us holy. Set apart. For Him. To be used by Him, for His purposes.

So, I will rest. I will marvel. I will live slow, savoring His ever present grace. I will live with my palms open... because my Father gives good gifts to His children.

I will give thanks.

And smile.

January 19, 2014 :-)

Last Sunday was January 19, 2014. It was already a very special day, because it was January 19, 2013 when Lucas and I began "officially" dating again. I had hoped to go see him, since I had MLKJ Day off, but he said he was "really busy" that weekend, so I was planning to travel the next.

Even though we were apart, he made it very special. Prior to last Sunday, I received eight handwritten letters in the mail. All different, all very sweet, all sharing his thoughts.

So, I was happy last Sunday. Missing him, of course, but reveling in all of our memories from this last year. I had been planning to update Facebook with a picture and some words about him in regards to our one year dating anniversary.

After church that night, I sat at the computer, looking through pictures, choosing one, and I sat, deep in thought, thinking of what I wanted to say. I remember just sitting, lost in thought, lost in memories...and for whatever reason I turned, and there! sitting less than a foot from me is Lucas! In the flesh! With a gorgeous bouquet of red roses! I had no idea he had slipped in!!

I screamed! "Lucas!! What are you doing here?!" I was laughing, nearly crying, hugging him, my family all there...I couldn't believe he had surprised me.

So he asked me to help him get things from his car. I went and got my coat, and he said I needed gloves...it was cold. And then I thought...oh my goodness! I think I know what he's about to do. :-)

We walked outside, I'm still in complete shock that he's here. We looked up at the stars poking through the clouds. He said that there wasn't very many stars out tonight. "They're still there, behind the clouds," I reminded him. We talked about what we've learned this year about each other, about trust, commitment, about love. For the first time, he said those life-changing words, "I love you, Alanna."

And he patted the snow on my driveway with his shoe. My driveway where I spent countless hours walking and talking on the phone with him. That driveway where we sat so many times talking in the car before going into my house. And there in the snow under those beautiful stars, he knelt and asked me to marry him.

*Sigh* 

It will forever be a special memory in my mind.

Everything that followed was such a blur of joy. Sharing the news with our parents, our siblings, our families, our friends. That giddy crazy excitement of realizing we will spend our lives together.

What happened on January 19, 2014 has changed my life! :-)

So now, the planning for our wedding is in full swing. But we are also preparing for our marriage. For that happy day will be here and gone before we know it, but our marriage will remain for as long as God gives us life. I can't even express the supreme honor I feel being chosen by Lucas to become his wife. To have the privilege to live out my days at his side. I know I can trust him with my heart, to lead me closer to Jesus. He, like no other, inspires me to be all that I can be for God...to use this life to grow, to become, to love, to reach out. I am so excited about ministering alongside him in God's kingdom, wherever that will be. Lucas completes me, sharpens me, softens me. His love is changing me. And I like who I'm becoming.

I love you, Lucas Ryder. I'm looking forward to the day when I become your wife!

Two Years

It has been two years, exactly to the day, that I have been teaching full-time.

Let's just let that sink in.

;-)

Wow.

Two years. It was the hardest thing I had ever done. I didn't do it well. I had so much fear. But God brought so many people that spoke truth in my life during that time. His word was (is) my refuge.

I've had several quotes/verses on my mirror for nearly two years now.

"Faith In. Fear Out" - Laura Bell

"Fake it till you make it."

"Love thinks the best!"

"Practice, Practice, Practice! You are what you repeatedly do!" - David Hartkopf

"Be prepared to thank God in any circumstance."

"I may be small, but I can do BIG things with Jesus."

"You either live with the pain of discipline or the pain of regret." - heard on KLOVE

"Keep Calm and Count On"

"The Lord will command His lovingkindness in the daytime; And His song will be with me in the night, a prayer to the God of my life." - Psalm 42:8

"O satisfy us in the morning with Your lovingkindness that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days." Psalm 90:14

"Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance." James 1:2-3

"Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary." - Galatians 6:9

"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the course, I have kept the faith, in the future there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day; and not only to me, but also to all who have loved His appearing." - 2 Tim.4:7-8

"Blessed is a man who perseveres under trial; for once he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love Him." - James 1:12

These were my life-line through long, stressful, frustrating days, and long, fitful, fearful nights.

But the story doesn't end there.

Two years later.

What have I learned?

To laugh more, and loathe less.

To smile, to sing.

That perfection is not the goal, but progress, principles.

That anything is better when it's a game.

That prayer is the best preparation.

That giving thanks is how to breathe.

To keep the main thing, the main thing. And often, completion of a worksheet, is not the main thing.

To listen more, and talk less.

That a little "brain food" (candy, goldfish) never hurt anyone. ;)

To celebrate.

To slow down.


Over the past two years, I've had the supreme privilege and honor of being "teacher" to 45 kids.

Wow.

That number will humble you.

45.

Was I Jesus to them? Are they seeing Jesus in me?

Prayer is truly the best preparation to fulfill your purpose.

Lord Jesus. You are so faithful. When I'm weak, You are strong. Thank you for your closeness these last two years...for equipping me each day with what I need. May Your word, the seeds, not return void. May these 45 be world-changers for You. Help me to continue learning and growing alongside them. Thank you for this incredible opportunity to be Your hands and feet. I need You Jesus every moment.

Gifts in 2013

In 2012 I read a book that changed my life. Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts along with her blog radically changed my thinking. I realized that my giving thanks to God is one way I can see Him ever-present in my life. He is always giving of Himself. Everything allowed in my life can bring me closer to Him. So, I'm striving to live slow, to keep my eyes wide open, to see the gifts, to see Him.

Here is a collection of pictures of different gifts my good Father has given me. I am so blessed.

My sweet family. God knew I needed them.

 

 

 

 

 

My dear aunt Brenda. She's my cheerleader.

My brother Andrew. Loyal and loads of fun.

My dear Lucas. Every moment with him is truly a gift. I adore him.

Ruth, Joana, and Rachel - three beautiful women who've helped shape my sweet man into who he is today.

This wonderful family - so many happy memories with them.

What a privilege to teach these kiddoes. What an immense responsibility.

My small group ladies. How beautiful to walk on this journey with them.

Rachelle - my kindred spirit. I love this girl.

Chen - my good Mexican friend who's introduced me to his beautiful country.

 I'm truly blessed how God has led me into relationship with these dear "gifts." It is my prayer that in 2014 God will help me to love Him fully and as a result I will love others well.

God's love never changes, but I want it to change me.

Why should I fear?

I'm at a piano recital for several of my kiddos. Oh, how I remember those days. So nervous...so terrified. But, how important they were. Yes, you're vulnerable...everybody's watching...but if I'd only realized that a) everybody's rooting for you and b) it's good to have the opportunity to feel those nerves and learn how to deal with them...because they certainly don't go away as you grow older.

Recently, I've been thinking about fear. Yes, not the most positive thing to feast your mind upon. But fear is incredibly real. I was listening to a preacher and she said that fear is the predominant tool Satan uses to deter and distract us from our relationship with God.

No wonder God's tells us over and over "Fear not..."

I think it's Ann Voskamp that says that fear is belief gone wrong...belief that God isn't good enough...that He's somehow not in control.

As I type that out, it's ludicrous. Fear simply should not be part of my thinking.

Thoughts...how do I stop harboring fearful thoughts? With the truth of God's Word.

God's perfect love casts out all fear. (1John 4:18)

Do I fully understand God's love for me? His never stopping, never giving up, always and forever love for me? A love that seeks my highest good? A love that may allow pain, knowing it's the only way I will ever resemble Jesus? A love that allows me to love others in ways I never thought I could? His love never changes but is always changing me.

Why then, should I fear?

My response can only be to rest, to remain in His promises. And to face each day hopeful, "hope-filled" knowing He is always working all things for my good.

He certainly has brought peace on earth.

Wisdom

"Wise men are only wise because they make their priority the seeking of Christ.

All our moments, all our waking -- all the globe is a looking glass to God, and the wise keep seeking the presence of Christ in a thousand places, because you only come to yourself when you come to Him."

- Ann Voskamp, The Greatest Gift